would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Randomize
