Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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