$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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