I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
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