I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
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I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
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I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.