So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
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The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
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Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.