I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I have so many feelings about this burrito