i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.