Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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