okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
