This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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