my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
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then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
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All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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