You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position