Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.