I'm going to rape someone's good day.
love makes seman taste better
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!