There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Two words: nipple clamps
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