do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
