Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
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The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
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there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
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