You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
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