I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.