Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
