I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
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I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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