Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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