she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
