You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
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Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...