Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
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I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
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And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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