Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize