Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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