The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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