You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.