The maid of honor just puked.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
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People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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