White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
