I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
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i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
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And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You ate ashes out of my bong
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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