what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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