I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
