I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
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She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
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Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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