I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
