WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
