his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
