all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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