It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
