i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
29 Unspoken Rules Of “Bro Code”
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now