I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.