Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
