I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just want nice things and good sex
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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