i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
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I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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