I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
this just has baby written all over it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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