Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!