Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
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you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
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i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.