She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men