There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital