omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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