HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
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this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
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Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.