I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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