im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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