We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My cat gives me a boner
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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