Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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