I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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