Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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